It's been a crazy winter trying to settle into camp and figure each other out, but I think the group is finally coming together. I took a new way down the mountain and found an abandoned kayak near a Big Creek. Our compass got pretty beat up during the last storm, but it worked enough to get me to a place that has cell reception again. Sam said I should update our blog from a library, but I don't trust adults enough to let me be. Knowing them, they'd probably see a scraggly kid in ripped-up jeans and call the cops. I'd rather just use the last of my battery to update you from here. It has 11%, so here goes.
Rishawn asked me the other day if I ever get lonely still. I kinda
brushed him off because I didn't feel like getting that deep with anyone that day. But the truth is, sometimes I can be in the middle of a
crowd of people and still feel lonely. I'm not sure how that happens. The same thing used to happen when I was at parties, too. Everyone would be talking, sometimes even to me, and I'd still feel invisible.
I don't know where that comes from. Maybe it's from never having a family to be seen by. That's what parents are supposed to do, right? Make you feel important? If they don't, then where do we get it from? Teachers or coaches, maybe. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I knew a lot of kids that would fill in the holes by hanging out with the rougher crowd. You know, like those idiot Squawkers.
I've felt seen a few times by the staff at Rez. Some of them were ridiculous and wouldn't know "nice" if it hit them in the face. But some other folks had a better handle on what we needed. I guess the most seen I've ever felt is now...by Sam, Mikayla, and Rishawn. It's crazy what being stuck with these kids has done to me. It's opened me up and made me start to trust a tiny bit. If we can't practice safety with each other, then who the hell can we do it with, right? You might feel the same way in your situation. Feeling connected, but still cautious, with kids around you. IDK.
If that is the case, I say go for it. Make sure they're solid people and you'll be gold. Theory told us recently that we need to "surround yourselves with people that are going to build you up, bot suck energy out of you. Look at who gives you energy and who takes it away. Then make sure you're with the givers." I've been lucky to find some givers, but it's taken time...and some vulnerability on my part.
Anyway, just letting you know I get it. The group says "hi" and we are planning a wildflower hike soon. They said we should cross the ridge backs and explore a new site for another camp. I'll post a piece of the map so you have a general idea of where we'll be.
Sincerely,
Dodge & The OC
